A bad day

What do we know about “a bad day”?

I’m pretty sure that, we all think we know so much that we don’t care about how many possibilities that can occur on such a day.

And I do believe that we all understand, to some extent, that those bad days are necessary after all. We cannot deny the “after-effects” that they had left for us until the day we are in right now.

Sometimes, we just felt annoyed with the weather, and we called that day “a bad day”. We could not hang out with friends, or go out for relaxation, or even more simply, we just hated the atmosphere which the weather brought about. In some cases, it made us remember something in the past, not really happy.

A day could be bad if we failed at something we had expected to come out good. How much “good”, and how much “bad” is enough for us to consider it “significant”? More expectation could lead us to more frustration afterward, in some bad cases. We did believe strongly in our working or academic potentials, but in the end, we could not achieve what we wanted. To be more exact, what we desired. Because on the surface, sometimes “that” result we got could be considered to be “well-done”, but from the inside, we never wished to stop just like “that”. We dreamed of something a bit, or much, bigger, which might leave a long-lasting trace into our everyday world.

“Is there any meaning left, if a highly expected person could not be “the best” out there?”, for example, something ironic like that.

But that is not the main point here, at least in this story of mine.

To begin with, I really thought that I should avoid talking about it here. You know, at the end of the day, nothing can be “worse” than “bad relationships”.

No, I have to say it clear. I do not mean that any of the relationships I have is bad itself, but the truth is, I am the reason why the relationships may turn out to be bad, if I don’t do anything soon. If I just stay the way I am right now, then it is just a matter of time, until the next time when I “hurt” a person who is important to me again.

That’s it, and today is a bad day.

Right now, today almost reaches its ending. And I’m thinking about one of the most basic things in my life. The truth. Did I prove myself to be trustworthy to you? Did I really make you think that I am someone different from your imagination, and make you feel distant to me even more? In the end, am I good, or bad?

I don’t know. I know nothing at all. I didn’t realize that things were going wrong at that very point. I just did what I felt the most natural, and then it turned out to be unexpected. At that moment, I knew that there was nothing I could say to make an excuse anymore. Something, from the inside of you, might have started to break out. And I could only watch it and feel the true pain behind.

I never meant to say that. I just wanted to … extend the conversation. In my way, my annoying way. Oh, my God.

I was bad at noticing things which are straight-to-the-eyes. That is something I still need to learn so much, yet I don’t want it to happen with any person whom I do really care about. That’s the truth. Even at the darkest of time, I will never lie about it. But, the results often come out badly, as if they were such a given to me.

I cannot ask for full forgiveness, also for full understanding. If you are important to me, then I will do my very best to show that you can put your faith in me. Sometimes, I really wish to tell you that I am the truth about myself. It sounds like me, sounds like someone who is always talking about something vague, without being straight to the point. But it is really me, really who I am. All I want to do is to prove that, I am totally honest with you.

Today is a bad day for me. Maybe somehow I have made it “worse” for you. I’m truly sorry, and I know it was late. This apology is not the atonement for my sin. The belief you put in me is something so precious that saying sorry is nonsense.

I want to protect what is innocent, and natural between me and the person who is important to me. Just like what you would do if it were you. You’re better than me at this. I just hope that the faith is not yet broken all. I’m scared, and this day may be the worst if this omen turns out to be true.

These bad feelings, I want to get rid of them and focus on making things better. But I really need help. I cannot do it alone, which is why things are very bad right now. The truth needs to stand strong, and I want you to see it.

Please understand for me this time, and forgive me, for once. I promise that the days will be better, and the light will be all there again. I want the true smile to appear more natural, and your happiness to be given.

Truth be told, after everything, I just want to say thank you once again. My days used to be darker in the past, but now they are better partly because of you, and your beautiful life. I wish to see you again and talk to you properly.

Any bad day needs to end. And all bad days will end eventually. After that, I want to learn the truth behind all of them, will you spend the time with me, again?