“It’s about time for people to come there. Wake up and get ready hurriedly, son!”
“… Yes, Mom.”
It was the most sleepless day I have ever had for years. Maybe there were only 2 hours since the moment I started lying on the bed that “morning”.
On January 6th this year, my cousinly brother got married.
Just the night before, I was working on an important and urgent study, which did cost the bulk of my energy and also my sleeping time more than ever. I had the intention to finish all of it that night, to end those consecutive days earlier than expected, but I simply could not. After making some extra efforts to get things done in the way I felt satisfied temporarily, the time was 4h30′ already. There was no other choice but to rest “a bit”.
I had never been in any marriage before. And I had never felt interested in any crowded place, either. That was to say, until the moment I woke up that morning, I was still thinking indifferently that my presence in his marriage was just a formal act, to please all the relatives and guests. Even though he was my cousin, and we had known each other for ages.
Since at the end of the day, everything would progress in a favorable way, now I just need to tell the truth here. It was not hard to guess that, we knew each other, but had never been close. In other words, cousins could be said to be a special type of friends to me, and friends vary. But unlike the case with my two cousinly sisters, I had not taken enough consideration to overcome those dark memories in the past with him, hence there was hardly any moment when I stopped to think how things would have changed between us at present.
I prepared myself that morning with a calm expression, as usual, thinking that I would turn to my room and continue my work after the event like nothing had ever happened. I knew it sounded very selfish of me, but I am trying to face all the pieces of reality at this moment. Mom, Dad, grandfather and grandmother, uncles and aunts, and all those acquaintances, they were all excited or energetic in a supposedly natural way which to me, was rather abnormal.
“Maybe I should feel a bit easier on myself now, I guess.” – I quietly thought.
There were times when I believed I would dislike him forever, but not that day. I knew I had to be responsible for both the New Year and the new turn of my brother’s life. It was something that might be able to last once in a lifetime, and it was not right to let people see any trace of my gloomy face. I never wanted to affect anybody, so I acted naturally.
The marriage was held at an extensive hall, with more than one hundred tables, and nearly one thousand guests. So yeah, it was supposed to be a real challenge for me to spend the morning and lunch there, yet I felt hardly nothing. I just came there, observed things with my own eyes, and wondered about all those wonderful organizations. There were simply no hatred, no hesitance, or somberness in my mind. Thinking back, I just focused on the scene of the hall, and him.
All of those were no acts. I simply watched him, like I had never had the chance to do so. I let the noise, the music, and all the other sound penetrate into my head, and let them fly freely without any worry. I just wanted to see.
I did not stop to question myself, until the middle of the lunch. When the MC on the stage finally announced the time for the groom and the bride to walk into the hall, for the most important moment of the day. Hearing that, I stopped and turned around, to look at the entrance door.
“Brother, is that already time?” – I asked quietly in my mind.
And then, they stepped into the room. All the lights were spotted on, all the eyes focused on them, and the sound seemed to change … heavenly. For a moment, I could not believe in my eyes and my mind.
He looked so brilliant and elegant, along with the most beautiful bride.
More importantly, he was smiling. Greatly.
I know, I know very well, that the fact he was happy was normal, and it should be like that. Even the smile. However, I thought if I was a kid right then, I would run out of the room, find a small corner, hide there, and then … cry.
Cry for all those days, with darkening thoughts and memories. For all those hesitances and doubts. For all those beliefs set as stone in my mind.
Before the sanctity of marriage, I could not feel anything but happy for him. For the first time, I was, I was … truly happy for my cousinly brother. I have to hold it in until now, but since I do not have any true brother in my family, I always call him ‘Brother’.
Let me call him like that. Please, I hope that moment would last forever.
Brother, I did really want to improve my feelings for you. I …
All those days, I had been hiding from facing you, Brother.
I realized that it was not because he was someone for me to avoid as natural, but … only I was the one who had not grown up enough.
I was happy that I attended the marriage that day. I did smile, as broadly as I could, when I saw him walking onto the stage.
All the feelings were purely honest. As if, the God was really present there, showing me the light to sacredness.
The sacredness of marriage, of relationships.
Of cousins, and of brothers.
For this moment, until the last day of my connection to you.