I still don’t know anything. Why is that I can’t feel anything?
Is some part of me dead?
The boy had buried himself in silence, for how long he would never know, yet since after his mother told him that sudden news.
He could not comprehend the whole content at first, and all he did was to knit his brows, as hard as he might. He did not believe in what he had just heard, even though her saying was as clear as day.
“Your Dad took the bird from the cage and brought him somewhere. I have seen it just yesterday, so now the bird is no longer there anymore. Maybe it has become too weak to live here.”
No, not “it”. But “he”. I always use “he”.
Of course only in writing that the difference could be seen, but the matter here was not that. The boy simply dodged the fact as soon as it appeared before his eyes, by telling some nonsense inside his head. He did not want to focus and just wanted to let everything pass like a dream.
Yes, just like a dream. Please, this time, let this be a dream for me. Please.
He had never prayed for anything out loud, but he was truly on the verge of uttering something like that, after a moment of silence. That dead silence, which could finish off one last hope in the blink of an eye.
“Well, at least it was still alive when I saw him yesterday. But a major injury or sickness must have happened so that your Dad had to make an unexpected decision like that.”
“Why? But why is that?”
“Winter. Maybe it was the Winter again, since this year’s season has been simply too cold, even we have not seen any harsh weather like it for so long. And during those severe nights, who knows what could really happen to the bird there?”
No, that’s not what I mean. However, I cannot say what I am thinking, either.
The boy could hardly continue his lunch in the usual way anymore, and he tried to swallow everything as fast as possible. If there had been magic in existence, then he would have surely used it to make him swallow even the shocking truth.
He has been with us for years. And why, why didn’t I realize anything sooner to protect him?
Then, another dead silence came to his mind, before a dark light revealed itself soon afterward. No, I did. I must have seen something there, just a few days ago, but I didn’t take any action. The bird was in some kind of trouble looking at that moment, but I thought he would be fine since things looked not so strange? Is that true?
If there had been any clear injury or sickness, the boy would have taken care of it immediately. He knew very well how precious the bird had been to him all the time, and he could not stand any second if there was even the slightest bit of danger affecting the bird. Hence, there was no reason for him to be that irresponsible as he thought.
Still, in reality, he had done it anyway. Was there any meaning left in welcoming a Winter that only he was the one delighted in the family? Was there any meaning left in the plan to bury himself in books all days long and believe that everything would be alright without him?
He had made a mistake, buried silently in his mind forever.
He had buried himself, unknowingly, a love.