Out of place

It has been too cold today. I am sitting alone in my room, as usual, yet it feels abnormal. When the reason for my physical body or my mind doesn’t make sense, then the only thing left must be direct to my mental health.

Today is already the end of January, and for as long as I could remember, this day has always been called “The day of a beginning end” by myself. For some reason, it really fits to be a conveyor of important messages for the rest of the year. That’s what makes it special to me, and also …

… what makes me feel a bit scared right now.

Recently, maybe since when I became a final-year student, I have somehow sensed some major problems in our great family. It’s not right for me to write too much here, but I will try to keep the balance at present because I don’t have any other place to go.

It’s exactly as it says: gradually I feel myself being out of place, even among all of my relatives, despite the fact that our house has been near to them for ages. Most of them are my mother’s blood relatives, whom I always loved to visit when I was a kid. Yet now, when I come to realize myself, things are getting not very well.

After countless days digging into computers, books, and papers of all kinds, while having such a monopoly of all the space in my room, one day just recently in this month, I came to see that I had let too many things pass without worrying about my absence in the midst of those. However, it’s not a matter of keeping track with the flow of events, but it’s about my own feelings. To be honest, I hardly felt anything back then, although I did continuously let them stay in my head for such a long time, ironically.

Until today, I have decided that I need to write. For what it’s worth, depending on what and how I can write today, I will be able to foresee partly the state of mine in the next few days, or few months if worse. Right now, I am not very confident in myself, because my head seems likely to oppose something unclear. I will have to go to sleep after this useless post.

My three cousinly older sisters, are all in Germany at present. Yet something tells me that they are gonna break apart soon, before coming back to Vietnam, and the fact that I know exactly who terrifies me. I miss them, but I’m scared.

My mother’s parents, the two grandparents whom I deeply respect with all my heart, are naturally forced to live uneasily between the matters of their aging healths and the annoying problems of their children, day by day. I’m scared.

My mother, my uncles, and aunts, contradict each other and talk behind their backs.

I’m scared.

[…]

It’s okay now: I’m here. For better tomorrow.

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