For a moment, I didn’t know what I had been thinking.
Everything was just moving too silently, and the world around me was showing nothing too special to take notes about. Or maybe, that was just my own imagination that the connection was gradually becoming invisible? Had it lost its shape already or had I truly missed something important?
It has been a long time since the last day I wrote like this. That work had been really fun until I realized that it wasn’t worth a significant part of my time anymore. It was when I decided to take a break from the activities here, putting a stop to all of my written stories. Since I am still a novice writer, nothing can be said for sure whether my writing would harm or save my life. Yet, there is one thing that I am totally certain of.
I still know nothing. Nothing at all.
And the world is still moving, as it should be.
Here begins a new story. About someone who may not be me, necessarily.
Something was strange.
As usual, I was in my dream world, again. The sky was not blue, yet purple. It was not the true color red that I had always yearned for in my life, but, still fine enough.
At least it was not the plain blue as in my “real” life.
Yet, it still felt so strange. I could not think straight, as if I could fall into the ground at any moment. Even in this dream of mine.
A sudden cough. One more cough. Then one next.
Blood … was in my hand, with some dropping right onto my feet.
There is no way …
I continued to walk, and try to arrange my thoughts. What did happen to me, and why is this dream so strange? What is trapping me in my mind?
Then I remembered spending time at my closest friend’s house, just a moment ago. But she was no longer there anymore. She’s gone, with her only child left to her mother.
As a doctor, I felt shame for myself. I didn’t even remember what disease had caused her sudden death like that. All the things I could do was going to her funeral, looking silently into her picture, with that usual lovely smile of hers. There were no tears, yet my heart seemed to melt itself. I could not say anything proper to her mother standing next to me. She was crying, so hard. I could not remember what she was saying back then. She told me how good my friend was, and how kind she had become. I knew, all of that I knew throughout my life. Again, one precious thing has left my life forever.
Where was her husband again? Did he come back from that dirty workplace of him? Had he even know the news yet? Though maybe that could help nothing but bring sorrow to my friend in the other world. She loved him, and I knew that. I couldn’t bring myself to show compassion to that man.
And maybe, to all kinds of men in that real world.
I walked and walked until my feet could not feel anything. I just wanted to run but didn’t have any strength to do that. I wanted to forget anything about relationships for a while and enjoyed my time alone. Maybe, forever in this dream, if I never open my eyes to wake up anymore.
Then the winds came. The cool winds of the not-yet-coming Autumn. The cool winds that I always waited for every year, to let it flow through my body in my beloved season. Yet, one more time, they were strange also.
I felt cold, and I coughed continuously. Blood continued to come out, without showing any sign of healing. As if the disease from my old friend had infected me in this dream, haunting me until the end of this life.
The winds continued to blow, harder and harder. I could not see anything clear before my eyes, although the sky was very transparent. As if, I could see it as a huge vessel of the world, with blood flowing through any cloud which contained the oxygen to nurture the full body.
The body of what? What is this world? Am I being devoured by a universal creature, then trapped in his stomach forever? That winds before, are they made from acid? Why am I coughing so much like this? Why the blood, again and again?
Everything was just so chaotic in this dream.
Is this even a dream?
Yes, it was a dream, indeed. Somehow, the scene started to change, I found myself driving to the bridge, where I was supposed to meet my lover. Is that it, my lover?
I decided to part ways with him. There was no meaning left for us to continue seeing each other since I was already tired enough of it. The decision of breaking up seemed to be clear to me, yet not so to him. He tried to tell me something, yet I could not hear, or, did not want to hear, due to the pressure of the winds on the bridge. Or due to my unwilling heart? He cried, that I could see so clearly, and he gave me a piece of paper on which our near future plans were written in details. Yet, so strange, I didn’t feel any emotion when reading it. That was to say, I could not come to feel any sympathy for his feelings anymore. All of them, somehow, could never touch my true heart.
Am I just that kind of cruel woman? Am I worthy of any death in peace later in life?
I came back as quickly as possible, to avoid his face. But he tried to call me back at any cost, by phones, by emails, by social networks. He wanted to understand why I did that.
Why? Do I know really why? Why can’t I tell him about it?
I stopped at the library of my university, which used to be called “my dear home”. I went inside to gain some silence for myself, though I know that I could not study anything at that moment. I just sat there and tried to think calmly. But it was all in vain. I could not stop coughing, and the blood just kept dropping out as usual. My hand was covered in the red again, the color which I had always yearned for in my life.
How ironic it is for me. I am not worthy of any peace in my soul, aren’t I?
He tried to call me again, then I picked up the phone. Just to stop it once and for all. He asked as if I was in some disease or not, then I found myself irritated by that thought, so I told him straight that it was not the cause. I spoke it out too loud that people in the room had to look at me with weird eyes. Strange, again. How can I be so thoughtless and careless like that?
I stood up, meaning to go straight home. I just didn’t want to think anymore about all of those feelings, about my friend, about him, and about any relationship related to me. I just wanted to rest, if possible, in peace.
Please, God, give me one chance. Just one chance in life is enough, please.
But things were never easy. Even in a dream, life was still so cruel and full of pain. I saw my younger brother sitting not far from my seat when I stood up, and just asked me a single question when I passed over him.
“Is this because of someone different out there?” – he asked in a solemn voice.
I stopped for a little moment, but I didn’t say anything at all, and then continue to go out. At the front door, my ex-lover had caught up finally, standing there and asking back.
“Is that it as your brother said? Because you have another person? Who might he be?”
But once again, I didn’t feel the need to reply, and just left him there, without turning back for even one second.
Deep down my heart, I knew.
I didn’t know how long it has been, but I knew. There must be something related to that existence.
I walked and walked as I had done since the beginning, then came to an ancient tree, which used to be a memorable place on the road leading to my primary school. From when I was just a child, with a pure heart, and a pure soul, only knowing to receive love without hesitation.
I could not hold it in anymore, so I leaned my back at the tree roots, and coughed hard. As if it was my last moment in life before all my blood was taken out. The time had nearly come, for me to pass from that world. Even it was just a dream, yet it felt so real. And of course, so strange.
I could not think straight anymore. I was tired. I was gonna pass away at any moment. Then I could rest for eternity.
Can I do that? Am I worthy of that? Can anyone understand for me, and forgive me? Can anyone mourn for me? Can anyone miss me?
Is it fine if I just died anyway then? If I agreed to end things like this, would I be free? Wouldn’t I regret anything?
Is there anyone out there that I truly want to see again?
At the very moment, a face appeared in my mind. That was a familiar face, younger than me from what I could see. Yet I knew, deep down inside, the smile on that face carried the emotion of someone much older than I thought.
That boy, he is going to miss me. Very much. He is always lonely, yet talking to me so lively.
I missed him, too. Is that because of that lovely boy that I decided to abandon my current relationship? I might not know for sure, but he did appear so clear in my mind. As if, I could see a light at the moment I thought I was dead.
There was still something that I had to do. I could not just die like that. I could not accept things just going on without any explanation to him. He is going to be sad, poor him, my cute friend. He has a genuine soul, with an innocent heart, compared to that of mine. Yet, I still felt that I must do something, for him and for me.
Is that because of him that I left? Who knows, I just know that he has become important to me, to my heart.
My blood was flowing inside again, and somehow, I regained my consciousness. I waked up, and sat among the roots of the ancient trees, to warm myself during the coldness of the falling winds. I embraced myself and hid my face under my arm. I just didn’t want to see anything, but that thought of mine about him. Someone passed the tree and decided to take some rest near my spot. I didn’t look up to see him, just knowing that the person came near and covered my body with his long coat, without saying anything. I didn’t say anything, too. At that time, my brother and my ex-boyfriend appeared near that tree and tried to call my name while searching for me. I just stayed silent in the space provided by the warm coat, trying not to be seen. I could not say thanks to the person who gave me that coat, but I knew that he might not need my gratitude at all. Simply because he did something that I could not fully comprehend.
And I coughed, again. Without blood. Then I opened my eyes, in my chamber.