The world is changing. Everywhere. Every time.
Deep down inside, I know that my heart has changed for long enough. All I could see at that time was my honest feeling and what I truly wanted to do for her. And what I truly wanted to fight for myself.
I have been far away from home for exactly 2 months. I still could not explain how hard I have been through to keep that decision before my departure. Yet I am still here right now, writing all of these words with a strong determination.
That I will be able to meet her again. Very soon.
Hereafter, come the thoughts of a young boy with an old soul from not so long ago. That boy needs not be different from me, though.
Please God, my God of Insight. If I can be granted anything at the present, please give it to her, so that she can be safe and get the freedom she always desires.
He thought so deeply in his mind. He was closing his eyes, not being able to hold it anymore. He was waiting, only waiting. For a voice call, or even just a message, as simple as it should be.
That night, it was almost her birthday. Nearly one week had passed since the day she told him about her chaotic dream. At first, he could not hold his breath when reading her thoughts. He felt it so hard, and so painful to look at them with a simple heart. A pure heart. He finally had a chance to know about her deep feelings for the first time so he could not stay calm as usual when she shared it to him.
Does he really deserve that from her?
He wondered, but he was happy. Truly happy, from the bottom of my heart. That was a lonely heart, finding a source of light to guide it through the dark alley of the soul. Near her, there always appeared such a positive side of him, and he felt not just happiness when talking to her. He felt something so wonderful, much more simple in all lifetime.
The dreams just rolled over and over again in his head. He had been asking himself if he was imagining things, but no answer came out at all. Everything was just so clear, without any hindrance. For the first time ever in his life, he felt that he was ‘living’ with this kind of feeling.
And for the first time, he was calling out loud for the God inside his mind. But not for his sake anymore; it was all for her. She might have thought that his feelings were too special to be considered as a normal love between couples like many others. She might have thought that how great a soul connection he had built for them after all those days. She might have never believed that she could find something which she deserved that much.
Yet, he had told her everything he could, after that chaotic dream of hers. He knew that it would be once for all, and it was the only way for them to move forward. Whether the result would turn out to be bright as heaven or dark as hell, he did not care even a little. He was scared of his regrets the most if he never said that to her, so then, all he wanted to do was to wish her the best luck and happiness ever.
No matter what she decided. No matter whom she tended to choose for herself.
It was already passing midnight. And she had not been back yet. But since her birthday had come, he just sent her the message that he truly wanted to share at the moment. He had no idea of what might happen next, but just like at that time on the plane before it took off, he knew that he was always himself whenever his thoughts focused on her. There was a lovely face with a dainty smile there, which she might not have noticed herself, which she might always consider to be so normal. Yet, he loved all of that, to the point that he could not think of any good way to make her understand naturally.
He was scared. Scared of being lonely again, with only his simple thought which never had a single chance to cross her mind. He was scared of being honest alone, without anyone to share his feelings.
Yet he did it anyway. He knew that even God could not change that fate. If he had to be that way, then he must be that way, without hesitation. Words could change people’s minds, but they could never affect one heart unless they came from one heart, too. He always held such a strong belief even when living in a world where happiness could be crushed by stubborn traditions and closed minds that human created for each other from generation to generation.
Even when I may be facing a hopeless situation without any way out, I still hold my belief in her. Something has to die today, tonight, and no matter which result I may receive soon, as long as it is naturally reasonable, then it is fine.
“In the end, everything will be okay. If it is not okay, then it is not the end.”
Then, his phone rang.
That day was the most beautiful in September, which they both agreed when they were on their first “date”. That date was the first time he could talk to her and listen to her life much more than what he often deserved. He was surprised also, but his heart was cheering with joy at that time. He might have been wrong all the time about his understanding of her, but he truly believed that everything before his eyes was nothing but simply the truth. With that, he did not care if he was wrong or not anymore. He just wanted to tell her directly what he felt. He just wanted to give her as much as possible.
Before he had to leave for a place far away from home. Far away from her.
He still remembered it clearly. He remembered the feeling that he held tight in his heart when he sent that message as if it was just from yesterday. He remembered the precious thing that used to be so vulnerable and could be lost anytime, despite how one might try to chase for it. To be put simply, it was not meant to be chased, but to be set free.
So he let it go. Let it fly, as freely as it could. If he deserves it, then it will definitely come back to him. This was not a wish, but more like a blessing from some Goddess. All he could hope for was that she would be happy with his endless support from that time on. From the day he was not around her anymore.
If I’m gone now, she will be fine eventually, right? She is such a strong-minded girl, with such a friendly and adorable face. Does she know it herself? Does she know that she had a wonderful appealing side of her? Does she know about her true charm, once she gets to believe firmly in herself? Does she know that I am worried about what she might not have noticed? Does she know …
… that I really love her?
He smiled, sadly. And he closed his eyes when the plane started to move faster.
Bye bye, my lovely lady. I wish I could see you again soon. I already miss you now, Miss.
Have you received my message yet? I wondered if you are sleeping or not. But for what it’s worth, please understand it for me. I am always that kind of boy, shy and dummy, knowing nothing but hard truths in life. And here I am, bothering you again with my deep thought.
He just wished, if only he had praised her once, directly when he was looking into her eyes. That night, he was chasing after her to say something which could not be said in the end. Ironically, all the best he could do for her always came from his writings. For the words to be craved, not to be blown by the wind.
She was sleeping, safe and sound. Looking at her face moments ago before the video chat ended, he tried to stay calm. He knew he had to focus on writing for her.
She had always been both pretty and smart so she could sense almost what he might want to convey to her. She might have guessed, she might have imagined, and he just wanted to tell her that all of them could be already the truth from the beginning. He loved her just the way she had been.
And that way did heal him a lot. Deep inside.
Right now, darkness is around him. He is still not going to sleep, because of what he has seen until now. Some of them may be dark also, but in general, things are getting brighter day by day, with hopes and dreams.
Winter has come here, and the world is changing one more time. Everywhere. Every time.
At the moment, he is feeling at ease without any hard thought. He knows that he will see her very soon as if this was just a dream.
Now he realizes that he needs not dream too far anymore.
Everything has come true.