A Matter of Time

Feelings

Time sure goes fast, isn’t that? What a nice time, after all.

The young lady went straight home as usual, without turning back. She was always the same, just like that, elegant and composed. She had lived long enough to know and realized many important things in her life. What can be let go, she would let it go. For what it’s worth, as long as she could find peace in the end, maybe she would choose that way. Yeah, maybe.

Up to that point, everything seemed so normal to the lady that hardly any emotion of hers could be seen by people’s eyes. She well understood that, because she decided that it should be so. She thought of important people in her life, thought of what she could do for them so that she could enjoy her life peacefully in the way she liked. She was lovely, with a radiant smile, yet she didn’t seem to realize it herself. A lone girl, yet always finding some way to smile, to let things pass, and to get things done. Properly.

That day, the 27th of August, was supposed to be another normal day, with just a small farewell with the boy she often went back on the same road after every French lesson in the Capital. He would travel to France very soon, just two more days, and so they might be saying the last real farewell with each other. 

He said something to her, and she just thought that it was the same “Goodbye” as ever. She nodded, and moved on ahead, without turning back. She was just like that, always the same, elegant and composed.

Did she feel anything at that moment of separating the young boy? Only she, or maybe, only God would know. She might have thought of something related to her feelings, but somehow, she must have believed that there was no way for an unexpected depth in those? Well, the lady didn’t mind too much at the time, and she still headed forward. To her home.

That was why she could never imagine, what would happen next in the world she was trying to force herself into. 

Of course, the boy had turned right, as usual.

Timeless

I never thought that it would come so fast like this.

The boy was lost in his thoughts while going home. Yes, he was riding the motorbike alongside the lady he always adored and respected. That day, the 27th of August, was their last time going together like this. 

Yeah, maybe it would be the last time, after so many times together.

There was no way that he could feel calm at the moment. He was nervous when thinking about what he was about to tell her. And more importantly, when he could tell her about his feelings. With only some simple French words he had learned himself. 

He knew far well that, he loved her. He just loved her so much, despite the fact that she was 5 years older than him. He was supposed to be like her brother, and the way she treated him might be regarded as the way a sister adored his brother. Not between a woman and a man, so everything he was thinking could turn out to be a grand failure of his life in love. He would fail miserably while seeing the lady smile and his heart breaking into pieces. He understood every possibility at that time, but he just wanted to speak it out loud. He just never wanted to regret anything he treasured, anymore. 

He never wanted to be separated from her, even when he knew that she was still feeling the same as usual. Always beautiful, elegant, and composed.

He didn’t remember when exactly he had these feelings inside his chest, but he knew that it was long enough to feel broken from the inside. He cared about her, but did she care about that? Did she need anything from him at that time?

Nothing from the past experiences of people would help him anyway. If there was anything happening right then, it should be fully original, without any precedent. He was scared of the fact that his way of living was too ideal to have any space for existence in this kind of society. He did hesitate, and then those important words came out weakly, beaten by the pressure of the wind, and never reaching her ears. She was just looking at him, smiling and nodding as usual, and then going ahead like nothing had happened at all. He turned right like usual, thinking that maybe everything he could do was done already. Nothing can be saved anymore.

But wait, is that really so? Is there really nothing? I am still here, and she might just be still there, so why is there nothing? There was no time already. I have to think and act immediately. What can I do? What do I want? Now?

A second later, he found that he was turning around and going on the same road she did just a moment ago. He continued to move straight ahead, just straight and straight. Without turning back. But he could never be beautiful, elegant, and composed like her. She was like a model in his mind, an ideal in his heart, so he could never stay calm when thinking about her. 

I love her. So much. And why can’t I say to her what I really want? I won’t let this go because she was everything I had in mind right now. This is for my heart, for my love, and for being her “partner”.

But could he succeed? Only God knows. He could only have faith right now. He just knew to chase after her, while knowing nothing about her location or her speed. He could not see her ahead, maybe passing her already, but maybe not at all. He could have chosen to stop and turn right to a corner to get back home, finishing a day of nervousness, but he didn’t. He would curse him to death if he ever chose that option of retreating. He knew that, right before him, was the life he wanted. He was always pursuing something deep in life, and this was nothing. Until he could find her, this was simply nothing at all.

Yet, where is she now? Why can’t I see her? Why, just why was she so fast?

 The boy thought he could give up anytime if he ran out of power. But, as long as he still had some power left, he would move forward. Just a bit more, just a bit more, just a bit more.

Where is she? Where are you, milady? My lovely lady, please let me see you, just one more time. Please.

He went as far as he could, and no longer cared where he was leading to. He just focused on marching on, and he believed that, as long as he could keep going straight, he would see her in the end. Yes, in the end, no matter what could happen.

He thought of going back home more than once. But they were just thoughts, after all. He always acted stronger than thought, once it was done. He no longer gave himself the time to hesitate anymore, and from time to time, he just wished to have some time when he could focus solely on one thing, and forger about anything else. 

Now is the time. I just have to find her. I just have to believe, and never stop.

He passed the long road, with numerous corners to turn, and then the ancient crossing bridge, heading towards the suburban. By the time he had fully prepared his mind to set on the “serious mode”, something familiar suddenly appeared before his eyes. 

That was a black skirt, just a simple black skirt. With a white T-shirt for girls. There was nothing more than those simple clothes, yet why was he feeling as if something like miracle stroke him in the heart? He didn’t have any time to think anymore. He called out to her, while reaching nearer, and called out one more time.

This time, the lady turned back and widened her eyes, asking.

“Oh my, why haven’t you gone home? What are you doing here, still?”

When he heard that sentence, he knew immediately that she hadn’t heard what he had said just before. Maybe she could hide something, but he believed that she had never heard it from the beginning. And so, the matter was simple. He would say it one more time.

Yet …

He hesitated and asked her to keep going since he had something to tell her along the road. The lovely lady listened to him and kept going while looking confused. He found that normal, simply because what he was about to say was beyond her control. He knew that his lady could stay calm most of the time and enjoy her time as if nothing can affect her significantly unless she lets it happen. However, he had also lived long enough, to understand that nothing lasts forever, but nothingness. Hence, what comes from nothingness, always surpasses human’s expectation. Even he could not imagine that he had made it all the way there, reaching her like that.

He could not start the conversation properly, just asking something vague. He was nervous, he was unprepared, and he was … too nice. He just wished that, only if he could stay with her a little more, and then, a little more, and go on, go on like that. Just until he could find the composure again. But that could never happen. Life is supposed to be cruel to anyone who wants to control it. And at that time, he was the one who wants to fight against everything. He was looking up to the most unlikely goal in life, which only seemed to appear in dreams of people around him. 

Does she also think so? What does she think of me, not as a boy, but as a growing man? Am I too young to be considered thoughtful enough? Does she think that?

Because, if she really thought that, then everything would crumble right from the beginning. Everything he had built until then would vanish immediately. He had bet everything on the line, with his own invaluable personal symbol. The symbol in heart, of the Guilty Crown.

The Crown that led to the truth of people’s heart, has been opened for him since long ago. And he would need to make an atonement for the sin he had to put up with, willingly. He wanted to love just the way he is, and he wanted to fight for it, despite hurting himself more as he went along with her more. 

He asked for the time left of the stoplight, although he already knew it. He just wanted to have some more seconds to think more, yet nothing seemed enough. Everything was missing, leaving him alone there with his own thoughts being damaged and threatened. He looked at her face, that adorable face with a pure smile, now clouded with anxiety. He looked at her eyes, and noticed. He knew, deep down inside.

Yeah, she might not care about it at all. I was too full of myself, wasn’t I?

On the last part of the road, before the large bridge leading further outside the town, he knew that he had to go back, not bearing the sight of her telling and urging him with a nervous tone. And there he realized that he might never be able to do it after all.

Something was wrong, or not suitable enough to make sense. He looked at her once more, and told her the last thing he wished to say. He just had to say it, no matter what, so that the fate could be decided by the way it was conveyed to her.

“Je t’aime, Au revoir.”

“Je t’aime. Au revoir!”

He said it two times, and only saw her smiling again, with her face lightening. Somehow, he hoped that she had heard the full sentence clearly and felt that way sincerely because of it. He really hoped that, for a second.

Yet, he knew he was wrong again. He had made a mistake, one more time that night. 

She smiled, indeed. She looked at his face, indeed. But there was no light coming out, only shapes and figures. She looks normal, as usual, again. For a short moment, he thought that he had reached her with his voice.

But one more time, the air, the wind, or the time, had killed the effort and the pressure of the tone. Maybe she could hide something, but sincerely, he, and in fact, both of them, knew that, the words were out with only the winds, while nothing came to the ears. 

He could not whisper anymore. Yes, he could not say anything, anymore.

He turned around with the motorbike, then looked at her one last time. It could be the last time, forever he could see her face smiling, just the way it is. She was always kind and lovable to him. He deeply respected that, and maybe, for now, that was already enough.

Yeah, I have done what I can. Everything, I have done for now. For her.

He did fail, he was not surprised. Yet, he smiled when he went back, thinking freely, and peacefully, more than ever.

Things are just the beginning. It takes a timeless effort, and now I live on.

“I love you, and somehow, you must know it. It’s just a matter of time.”

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